October 26th,2011

Today was our last day of tennis and we went to Hopewell valley for our last match. We lost, but thats ok. haha i didnt play today because i havent been going to practice... i've been getting help for my homework and doing my physics project...i really have to raise my grades...i dont want to repeat last year where i just slack off but it feels like i've been sleeping in class more than ever. I always fall asleep during english, history, math, and anatomy...and those are the most important classes. those are the classes where i need to raise my grades.. and phyics...

I dont know why im always this tired...i feel so drained out...I've realized that trying to stay awake in class is the hardest struggle..

After friday, im going to study extra hard for my math test ! i need to get a good grade. It all depends on this test. i have to do really good.

I feel like, my mind has been everywhere lately.. mostly on "Alex"...I cant help but fantasize about our future... i hate thinking/talking about the future because i love to see what God will plan for me. God will never give me a task that's impossible to preform. Everything happens for a reason.

I feel like i've been too attached to him.. i feel like my world revolves around him now.

I've had this feeling before..but this time, its different.

I really want us to be serious. Im so proud that he and Isaac are gonna stop smoking. I couldnt be more happy for Alex. Im just afraid that he will go back to it because he feels like he needs it...

hopefully his friends can get him through it. Although i dont have respect for smokers, and even though i hate them...i feel everyone deserves a second chance. no matter what.

I hope he and his friend will succeed and quit for good. If not, idk how I'm going to go out with him.

Dont get me wrong, i love him with all my heart, but i still have to stick to my morals.

I told myself, i will NEVER date anyone who smokes cigs...ever. No matter how much i love this person, i can not just let someone i love so much, kill himself slowly with that shit...i just cant do it.

I know im falling for him really fast...but if he really needs to smoke, then i have to end it because i dont know how i can deal with it. i cant even deal with my own father. I really want to be with him . I just want us to be official... i dont want to wait till December, but i know its whats best